20050924

Vader And Me

OK, you know I have a secret about Vader. And, I want to tell you what it is, but I don't know quite how to word it, so I'll just say it. Here goes:

Darth Vader. Is. My father.

Sigh. There, I said it. I feel like this is a support group. Hello, my name is Han Solo, and Darth Vader is my father.

You know, I haven't actually said that to anyone before. I mean, Vader is an evil, psychopathic, murdering bastard. It's not something to brag about. I haven't even told my friends. Like, how could I expect Luke or Leia relate to this? I haven't even told Chewie.

It's not like I have proof, either. There were rumors. Whispers among my relatives. No one wanted to tell me the truth, I had to figure it out on my own.

It's part of the reason I went to the Imperial Academy. I guess I was hoping to work my way up the chain of command and eventually confront him in person. I don't know what I would have said. That plan didn't pan out anyway, so it doesn't matter now.

Vader. He killed Porkins. I sent Jek's mom a message, after his death. If she found out that I was the son of her son's murderer... I couldn't take that.

I'll tell you another secret: when no one is around, I practice quick-drawing my blaster. On the off-chance that I ever run into Vader, that's the first thing I'm going to do. No talking. No thinking. See Vader => Shoot Blaster. Ask questions later. I know it's stupid, I'll never ever see V-man in the 'flesh', but it makes me feel better.

It doesn't matter how much I practice, though. It won't bring Jek back.

Frack.

Remember Porkins.
Blogger Captain Typho said...

You really bonded with this Porkins dude.

Or was it just the brownies?

9/24/2005 11:55:00 PM  
Blogger Han Solo said...

You know, we just really hit it off. Sometimes I can bond with people like that. We only had that one conversation, but it was like we really knew each other already. Frankly, it was a little weird, but cool at the same time.

Of course, the brownies were really good...

9/25/2005 01:26:00 AM  
Blogger Leia said...

You don't tell us, then you go about posting about it.
But it's a good thing you didn't tell Chewie. You just can't trust him with a secret.

9/25/2005 04:24:00 AM  
Blogger Anakin Skywalker said...

That's just messed up, G.

9/25/2005 09:44:00 AM  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Known for their common sense, those rebels are not.

9/25/2005 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger Han Solo said...

Sorry, your worshipfulness. I didn't think anyone would understand.

You're right about Chewie though. He's a little gossip machine.

Master Yoda, I don't know what to do about the rebels. They come up with ridiculous plans and expect me to go along with them. I try and try to point out the logical errors, but they just don't listen. I mean, I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

There's not a tactician in the bunch. There are a few that have had some military training, but only a handful of officer material.

They really need me, far more than they let on.

9/25/2005 12:21:00 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I don't know, I think you've got it wrong with the Vader thing. I'm just saying, you know.

9/25/2005 11:02:00 PM  
Blogger Han Solo said...

I think I've got it right.

More than once, I heard them definitely say "...Han's father..." and "...Vader..." in the same sentence. And whatever the secret was, it was something bad enough that they didn't want to tell me about it.

Seems pretty obvious to me.

9/25/2005 11:16:00 PM  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

Hey, you know what they say -- you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

9/27/2005 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Captain Typhoon,

Different that saying is among my people -

"Pick your friends you can
Pick your nose you can
Pick your friends' noses you should not"

Actually nothing to do with family that has

9/27/2005 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Han Solo said...

Yeah, but I bet you do have friends that would let you pick their nose.

If you really wanted to.

For some weird reason.

9/27/2005 11:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Han, this might sound harsh, but I think Vader killed your father, which was what those guys were talking about, sorry to say.

9/30/2005 11:07:00 PM  

Busy Me

Sorry for the lack of updates. Things have been REALLY busy around here lately. I just want to let you know, I ain't dead yet.

Well. The battle. We won, obviously. 'We' being the rebels, which I guess I'm a part of now, too. Like an idiot, I went back and provided some covering fire. The hotshot kid took out the Death Moon thing, and saved the day.

You know who didn't make it, though? Porkins. Fracking Vader dusted him. Vader...how I hate him! Sigh. If only I had decided to go back sooner, he might still be alive. Frack.

Also, Biggs was wasted. But, I owed him money, so that eases the sting.

The rebels, though...they're so retarded. You know what we did after the battle? Go on, take a guess.

If you said "Packed up and got the frack off the planet before the Imps came with reinforcements"... then you're obviously not rebel material. No, we had a party. Luke and I got medals for being heroes or something, and then they broke out the sparkling wine and...well, it gets fuzzy after that. We did scatter the next day, but, jeez, we were lucky. We've been reorganizing and regathering since then.

Some things still nag at me. Like, why didn't they send some cruisers against us as well? Even after the space station was destroyed, the rebel fighters had been decimated. Would have been easy pickings.

And why did the Imps move around the planet to get a clear shot at the moon with the rebel base? Why not just blow up Yavin? Boom, instant line of sight. If I were a cynic, I'd suspect a setup. Like, they wanted us to take the space station out, to give us a false sense of security.

Oh, and you know who happened to be off-station when it blew, and has been spotted around the galaxy? Vader. Fracking Vader...

Sigh.

Remember Porkins.
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hey how come Chewie didn't get a medal?

9/25/2005 10:59:00 PM  
Blogger Han Solo said...

He's too tall. Apparently, having the princess stand on a step-ladder or having chewie kneel would have been undignified.

They gave him his medal later. Boy, he keeps that thing polished, too. For his son, he says. Something to be proud of the ol' man for.

Whatever.

...

I wonder how much someone would pay for one of these...?

9/25/2005 11:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

apparently that super laser only works on rock-based planets or moons - Yavin would've been too big, and the shot'd have been dissipated, or something.

9/30/2005 11:04:00 PM